omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
