considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
