So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
