Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
