I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
