I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
