I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
