I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
