last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sober January is a disaster.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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