this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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