The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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