dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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