Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
