I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
