At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I need moral support for this bender
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
