Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
