I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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