saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
