well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
