I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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