Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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