My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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