Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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