i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
