What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
