Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
