Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My hand turned me down
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
