Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
