Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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