On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
