I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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