I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
