I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
