If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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