What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
