i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
