i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
