i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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