K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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