I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
