omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
