if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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