And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
