i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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