I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
