apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
