My balls are so social today.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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