i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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