Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My vagina is officially offended.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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