I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
