I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
