Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
