Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
