i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
