dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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