While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
