I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
